How Do I Compete? (Honest Question)

Fear of The Struggle

An excerpt from a poem I wrote in high school

We fish for accomplishments
As we collect signatures,
Bash everyone in the crowd around us
With our coats of arms,
Hoping to be pulled out amongst others blurred too ⠀
⠀
And thrown into combat.
Our homes are filled with soccer moms
As they force feed ‘political correctness’ to us.
Teach us to be impersonal, yet merciless
Teach us to cry for world hunger,
But shoo away the beggars.

I thought I was pretty deep, I know. But even in high school, I was afraid. Applying to colleges was probably the most competitive and laborious thing I ever did. And it revealed to me something very deep in my heart: Fear of The Struggle. But I didn't understand it, really, until a few months ago.

A few months ago, I realized I don't want to fight. I've been running from fighting for decades. Fighting has winners and losers. If I win, I've hurt someone or taken something from them. And then I have to go on to the next fight. If I lose, I could end up alone, abandoned, destitute. So one of my biggest fears is of The Struggle, being trapped in a system of zero-sum like fights, with no agency and no hope.

While I do literally fear having to fight other people to survive, most of it shows up in more abstract, social situations... like putting together a competitive college application in the United States 😵‍💫.

Sitting in an unremarkable Bangladeshi restaurant that advertised itself as Japan's best Indian food, I realized that the reason I despised the fine dining industry, too, was because of this fear. Status, I noted, was also a game of winners and losers. Eating the food I'm told is high status and delicious is a vote for the status quo and complicity in raising some things and some people far above others. Taking a taxi to the airport, getting a massage, and ordering food delivery also have some element of status and I therefore tend to avoid paying people to do things for me when I can (I flesh this out more in Some Matter More Than Others).

Although applying to college was the most competitive I'd ever been, it seemed like there was no way to escape the system, as I always needed to fight for money in some form to survive. Ah! That was the solution... to gain enough money so I didn't have to fight anymore. Or, at least, not as much. Hence my interest in the Financial Independence literature online.

I am fortunate enough that my environment growing up and education made me well suited to work in software, which has afforded me a lot of distance from what I was afraid of. However, the fight showed up in the form of “code challenges”, the common interview format for programmers where you're asked to solve a programming puzzle when applying for a job.

After interviewing a candidate and watching them try to solve the puzzle, I'd sit in a room with the other interviewers and talk about how the candidate met and didn't meet expectations. Each time, I couldn't help but wonder if I'd meet expectations if I were the candidate. Was I worthy to be here, or an imposter? What's going to happen to that person if we don't accept them? What's going to happen to me if I don't meet expectations the next time I look for a job?

I shied away from competition games, both in-person and online, especially ones based on intellect. I didn't want to be revealed as an idiot... it's better just not to play, I'd myself.

“True love is searching too, but how can it recognize you, unless you step out into the light?” - Daniel Johnston

Many years ago, I learned about the Growth Mindset and while working to adopt some of the ideas from this approach, what was clear to me was that failure with small stakes is not that bad.

To put it another way, when there's big upside/low downside to trying something (which is usually the case), you can essentially make luck for yourself by trying ideas over and over. Most of the time, the only cost of failure is the feeling of embarrassment and/or a little money and time.

“No,” a part of me says, “what's at stake is your entire self-worth. When you lose, you... well you just can't risk losing.” And that part of me continues to believe this, despite the rest of me's insistence that putting a little pride at risk is worth it.

I could start a company. I did start a company! But finding product fit was hard and not well scoped... so I stopped because I was afraid of spending an unbounded amount of time figuring it out... afraid of discovering that I am not special and have no self-worth. I used to enjoy playing board games with friends when I was young, but as I got older, they became more sophisticated and I stopped playing for fear of looking stupid when I inevitably lost while learning the strategy.

Entering a competitive environment is often a path to growth and fulfillment, whether on a small or large scale. Earlier, I thought that if I could learn to like competitive, online multiplayer games, I would also feel more comfortable doing similar activities in my life's big pursuits. I played a couple competitive online games, and felt the dreadful feelings of fear, also some enjoyment. But I never played any of the games long enough to get good. It's still inconclusive.

How do I compete? Is there a path that doesn't involve throwing myself into the deep end? Are there coaches? Are there competitive game classes? Please help 🤣

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