Ulysse Pence

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Trauma: Looking Away from the Lion

January 24th, 2021

👩: Oh my god, there's a hungry lion running towards me.
👨: No, don't think about that. It's not real.
👩: But it's running right at me. Don't you see it?
👨: Ya it's fine, just look away.

This is the kind of conversation that goes on in my head when I fly on planes. Whenever the plane hits turbulence, I am forced to relive some of the fear of death from a past trauma. In reaction, I try to persuade myself that everything is fine, but it does not always work.

Thirteen years ago, I experienced a traumatic event on a flight that makes flying very difficult for me, even to this day. The event was not terribly interesting. My flight from Boston to Washington DC hit some especially bad turbulence and I thought I was going to die. What's interesting is that a couple months prior, I had gone skydiving with friends and had no issue.

I started trying to solve the problem with reason. I would remind myself how many people fly everyday and what the probability of dying in a plane crash was. I also told myself that pilots, stewards, and stewardesses make a career out of being in planes all the time and no one is talking about how dangerous those professions are. When I booked the flight, I trusted that there was little risk of a crash, but when I got up in the air, my heart often raced and none of these reassurances were very reassuring.

I later spoke to a therapist about my fear of flying and she recommended a few methods to reduce my fear:

The hand lotion didn't seem to work, but the other two ideas did work quite a bit; however, the most helpful thing for me was reassurance that I was safe, not that I was unlikely to die: several years ago, my roommate told me her father was a mechanical engineer and that they stress tested the wings on planes considerably, displacing them far more than you'd expect from the turbulence on any flight [0]. In addition, I listened to a pilot talk about how little turbulence affects the flying of the plane [1] While I can't necessarily verify this information, what I was looking for wasn't strong evidence. What I was looking for was any video, hand lotion, cocktail, or otherwise that would reduce my recurring fear from trauma. I have probably flown 50-100 times since the traumatic event.

In the end, watching the video(s) every couple of years helps. Looking at calm stewards, stewardesses, and passengers helps. Closing my eyes and imagining being someplace else helps. It's possible I will be working through this trauma for the rest of my life. And the next time I see a therapist, I will ask them for more recommendations. If you are dealing with trauma, you should too. Looking away from the lion and not indulging the fear is not the only option.

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